I don't seem to be able to make shrines. It doesn't come to me. But I can write about a subject instead, and here I want to write a little about my daughter, and me, and tell you a story of something that happened recently. And of things in between.
In between then and now, I made a healing journal. I called it "The Book of Hearts". It was all about my sadness, my love for her, how wonderful she was, and every page had a heart on it. This journaling helped me through many weeks of anguish. It is full of memories and thoughts and wishes and anguish and tears and love. This page is an example:
I don't know how I would have made it through each day if I did not have this journal to work in. It brought me closer to my lost child, because it was as if she were there with me, guiding my thoughts about what to do on each blank page. It was "busy work", a life saver perhaps, because I really wanted to "go" and "be with her".
I won't bore you with page after page of my teardrops, but long story short here. Journaling helps get one through at least the initial stages of grief. Truly it does!
OK, so that was then. And this is now:
On March 30, Friday, of this year (a couple of weeks ago) I was checking my phone log. Why? What led me to do that? I don't know. But there it was, an incoming call that had not shown up on the "missed calls" window. The name....."Aleta". I could not comprehend this, and took it to my husband who confirmed it said "Aleta" in the missed calls log, the day and date, and time. How could this be? So he pushed the return call button, and got that standard phone company message, "the person you are calling is either..etc. etc. or out of the calling area". HOW COULD THIS BE?
I called her twin sister who had Aleta's cell phone. It had been in the glove box of her car these past four years, untouched. It was not charged, it had no service, and it was an old phone and did not even have a sim card that someone else could have used. HOW COULD THIS BE?
My husband called Sprint, Aleta's old service. Sprint said this phone number has never been reassigned to anyone else, and the service account shows NO ACTIVITY for the past four years! Then we called TMobile, our service. TMobile told us this call DOES NOT SHOW UP ON OUR ACCOUNT.
How can this be? A fluke? Spiritual?
Sprint said, after hearing the issue, "the phone is in the service of the Lord". TMobile had no explanation. But the call was there....on my phone. Verified! I have been told by someone far more spiritual than me, that perhaps it was Aleta trying to tell me to move on. I try, really I do. Maybe now I can.
I cherish and love everything about you,
my beautiful child.
And I miss you every day.