On May 4, 2008 one of my twin daughters tragically lost her life in an ATV accident. This post is dedicated to her.

I don't seem to be able to make shrines.  It doesn't come to me.  But I can write about a subject instead, and here I want to write a little about my daughter, and me, and tell you a story of something that happened recently. And of things in between.

In between then and now, I made a healing journal.  I called it "The Book of Hearts".  It was all about my sadness, my love for her, how wonderful she was, and every page had a heart on it. This journaling helped me through many weeks of anguish.  It is full of memories and thoughts and wishes and anguish and tears and love.  This page is an example:

I don't know how I would have made it through each day if I did not have this journal to work in.  It brought me closer to my lost child, because it was as if she were there with me, guiding my thoughts about what to do on each blank page.  It was "busy work", a life saver perhaps, because I really wanted to "go" and "be with her".

Another page:

I won't bore you with page after page of my teardrops, but long story short here.  Journaling helps get one through at least the initial stages of grief.  Truly it does!

OK, so that was then.  And this is now:

On March 30, Friday, of this year (a couple of weeks ago) I was checking my phone log.  Why?  What led me to do that?  I don't know.  But there it was, an incoming call that had not shown up on the "missed calls" window.  The name....."Aleta".  I could not comprehend this, and took it to my husband who confirmed it said "Aleta" in the missed calls log, the day and date, and time.  How could this be?  So he pushed the return call button, and got that standard phone company message, "the person you are calling is either..etc. etc. or out of the calling area".  HOW COULD THIS BE? 

I called her twin sister who had Aleta's cell phone.  It had been in the glove box of her car these past four years, untouched.  It was not charged, it had no service, and it was an old phone and did not even have a sim card that someone else could have used.    HOW COULD THIS BE?

My husband called Sprint, Aleta's old service.  Sprint said this phone number has never been  reassigned to anyone else, and the service account shows NO ACTIVITY for the past four years!  Then we called TMobile, our service.  TMobile told us this call DOES NOT SHOW UP ON OUR ACCOUNT.

How can this be? A fluke? Spiritual? 

Sprint said, after hearing the issue,  "the phone is in the service of the Lord". TMobile had no explanation.  But the call was there....on my phone.  Verified!  I have been told by someone far more spiritual than me,  that perhaps it was Aleta trying to tell me to move on.  I try, really I do.  Maybe now I can.

I cherish and love everything about you,
my beautiful child.
And I miss you every day.


  1. Oh, Judie...this made me have goose bumps. It truly must have been a "message" from Aleta, maybe just to let you know she's okay.

    I think the idea of working through your grief in a journal is great. I wish I had known how to do this years ago when my mom died.

  2. Oh my goodness Judie. I felt the goose bumps too. Perhaps a message to let you know that she is with God and that it's time for you as hard as it may be to go on. I know it's hard, but I really beleive that may be what it was. You know I have noticed that you are really trying hard to go on with your art. ::hugs:: to you, Aleta is at your side.

  3. We do not understand energy,time,or space....but I think Aleta was telling you she loves you too. Sobbing now. So glad you have worked in this journal and kept in touch with her this way.

  4. Judie, i really really loved this post. I personally would love to see your book of hearts as i KNOW how healing it has been to you. ANd to be honest how healing it has been for Aleta, because we know had she had her way she would not have gone away, she would have stayed so this was a way for her to connect with you. For i KNOW she loved you so.
    And the story of her phone call, makes my heart SING, i love love love this, i am so glad you rec'd that gift from her.
    They so want us to be happy. its hard sometimes, to have happiness for its always tainted abit without the ones who have our hearts. thank you my friend for sharing. i love you so much i love your courageous heart.

  5. Dear Judie,

    I remember well the great loss of your beautiful daughter and the struggle you went through coming to terms with it. Even now I think back on those days and your struggle in the period of time immediately after. I have even revisted your tribute to her yearly.

    I am so pleased that you restarted your blog and have found other meanings in life.

    Warmest regards,


  6. Today, on this Mother's Day, I revisited this post and saw the comments I had not seen previously. Thank you soooooo much all of you for your understanding and your love expessed here. And you too, Tinker, for your email that wouldn't post. My heart is full today. xoxo Judie

  7. oh Judie.. what can I say. this journal is full of love - and that sign? definately a sign from Heaven xoxoxo [one of my friends had something similar happen a few weeks ago - a message from her daughter who died just last year.. things like this happen, they really do xoxo]

  8. Thank you, Judie, for sharing such a beautiful story, and such lovely journal pages. You have such a talent for creating expressive images. The mother (you) holding the heart just wrenches my soul, but there's joy too. I'm glad you believe you will see her again. I do too. BTW, I love the dress you have on. Just right for a mother, big and comfortable.

  9. Sending YOU love and prayers! Yes, it was a GODsend to get that
    call from Aleta! ((((((Judie)))))))

  10. This gave me tears and chills......I believe journaling is definitely a help in healing. As for the missed call...there is no doubt in my mind she was trying to tell you something. Even if to let you know she is ALWAYS with you!! I think the knowing that can also be healing....the knowing that Guardian Angel she is now never leaves you.


Your comments are sincerely appreciated. Knowing you have been here is what keeps me posting. Thank you for taking the time.